2014 DACHSHUNDS (JUL - DEC)
After destroying The White Queen and during her autopsy, it was discovered that her brains were a curious stew of Singing Potatoes and Screaming Rocks. They sent the Screaming Rocks into space where they became the Marshmallow Nebula, while they fed the Singing Potatoes to the horses who, forever after, entertained the village populace with their symphonic flatulence.
Dach Cousteau investigates a Rogue Glacier that has entombed the subjects of John Copley’s “Watson And The Shark” and Damien Hirst’s “The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living.” Unfortunately, this is an ironic case of mistaken identity in that the Glacier didn’t ice the ghost of Brook Watson, but that of James Watson… the man who discovered DNA.
Bow down and worship King Doxipan. Doxipan eclipses the blues, makes the sun shine brighter, warms the floors, drives you happy, and helps you win at everything. Side effects include guzzling wine, cavorting with forest nymphs, and playing pipes out of tune. Consult with your imaginary physician before worshipping Doxipan.
A pair o’ dox, who are the proprietors of the nearby The Docks Inn, watch from the edge of the event horizon as their supermassive pet black hole (it’s a rescue) sucks up any supermassive cruise ships that try to enter the harbor and unload their diarrhea. [“The Docks Inn” is the property of @tanialikescheese whose dream is to open a dachshund-themed bar at the end of a dock in Belize, Mexico, Hawaii, or anywhere tropical.]
Future Dox went back in time to Art Basel, Miami, to tell his younger self to not buy the Jeff Koons “Balloon Dog” because in the future it turns into a living balloon dog that poops balloons all over the house. It’s not as cute as it sounds: the balloons are not filled with air. They’re like lil Hindenburgs.
Doxipan will set you free because Doxipan loves you. Embrace the Dachness and give your heart to Doxipan. It is the choice you want to make because it is your only choice. You will bow down on your knees and you will worship Doxipan. Remember, Big Wiener Is Watching You.
As Dox Quixote and Rocinante make their way to Camelot, Rocinante pauses before a brook to indulge in an interpretive dance of the scene in which Hamlet and Laertes wrestle in Ophelia’s grave. Ophelia’s ghost proffers a paw, to help the old horse into her damp and murky theater. #YouCanLeadAHorseToWater
This collage was brought to the attention of the Ministry of Wiener Collages whereby it was arrested for an undisclosed crime and is to be tried by a tribunal of invisible judges who will assemble a verdict from a mishmash of evidence that includes clippings, photos, flotsam, jetsam, bricolage, gallimaufry, and a hodgepodge of complete nonsense. No collage has ever been acquitted. Remember, Big Wiener Is Watching You.
Merry Doxmas. While you’re celebrating the imaginary birthday of some mythological magic baby, the Doxi Luftwaffe are busy protecting us overseas by bombing strategic locations in the Arctic Circle due to reports of a fat man in a red suit making rooftop scamper attacks in the middle of the night. Not cool. He has also been reported infiltrating Doxi territory via chimneys and making off with cookies. These are some of the gravest offences under Doxi Law. Bomb the fat man! Support the poops!
The Sybil Dox gave birth to the ghost of Mark Twain and Cleopatra’s right ear on a tiny red couch in the middle of the Schwarzwald. Twain’s ghost narrates movie scripts into the ear, which the ancient Egyptian Queen sees in her dreams.
Samuel Beckett’s Waiting For Godox will be performed this evening on a power line above the abandoned Haunted Hay Ride at the crossroads, starring The Ghost Of Mark Twain 1 as Vladimir and The Ghost Of Mark Twain 2 as Estragon.
The King of Dach, There Is None Higher, has launched a Kickstarter campaign for a Time Traveling Bengal Tiger that will fly 6,000 years into the past, perform a Holy Abortion, and extinctify stupidity.
Doxistentialism is an ontologically based school of Wiener Philosophy that practices theoretical enterprises that promote Wiener World Domination and the delivery of the enlightened Wiener soul to a magical Hole In The Sky, Gateway To Heaven. #blacksabbath
A curious lambskin parchment surfaced at auction recently that appears to be an ancient wedding invitation. “We cordially request your presence,” the faded Greek handwriting reads, “to witness the marriage of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny on the Eve of The Great Flood.” Another fragment seems to be the menu for the reception, which offered a choice between, “Deep Fried Pickled Easter Eggs,” or, “Organic, Free Range Goat’s Milk and Cookies.” The buyer and price were not disclosed.
Astronomers believe there is a massive Screaming Black Weenie at the center of our galaxy and it is on a collision course with a Dach Hole on the outskirts of the constellation Leo. The Screaming Black Weenie is expected to get sucked into the hole later today. Then there will be a giant explosion of stars and stuff.
When the Dachshund God Of Numbers, W13N3R-X, descended from the heavens in his Math Wagon, he blessed the Dachshunds with the gift of numbers. Once they realized the magic of counting, and “keeping score,” all kinds of sports were invented: Bark Comps, Burrow Battles, Snack Meets, Napping Marathons, Stuffing Removal Tournaments, Devil Rat Demolition Derbies, Hunger Games, and, of course, Wiener Races.
A recently discovered Doxistentialist text, attributed to Fyodor Dachstoevsky, reads, “The Soul descends from the Cloud Village and begins Life as a Wiener’s Dream, its residency lasts no longer than two sheep’s hearts smoldering in a chimney, and it departs as a Tinker’s Fart.”
On a recent exposition deep in the Valley of the Exorcliffs, famed doxplorer, Dach Cousteau, discovered a smoking crater that is the source of all Evil and the home base to the Devil Rat Army: the infernal entrance to Itchy Hockey Styx!
1. Sciuridae. Squirrels. Evil, filthy, squirrels.
2. H + E + LLs.
Wiener Dachtors, dabbling in genetic engineering, recently married the DNA of Picasso’s late dachshund, Lump, to that of one of their national heroes, the Emperor Napoleon. The result is a small but powerful creature they’ve named the Lil Princess Hot Dog Horse (Latin: Doxocentaurus).
Mason and Doxon cruise into port to see the Great Harbor Limb, said to have been amputation from Saint Dachtober. The miraculous relic shoots a fantastic geyser of blood into the harbor every October first.
Since ancient times, Wiener seamen have charted the course of their ships by using the Sausage Constellation, a large cluster of stars made up of the nasty bits of other constellations, such as the balls of the Bull, the Scorpion’s scrotum, the heart of the Lion, the Centaur’s cerebellum, the gluteus of the Goat (aka the Capricornhole), the colon of the Crab, Ursa Minor’s tongue, Ursa Major’s bung, and Aries’s anus.
After Eugene slayed the dragon with his golden axe (careful with that axe, Eugene), he jumped on the back of his magic stork and they flew to the tower where his beloved Princess had been entombed by her evil twin sister. Eugene rescued the Princess, then decapitated her sister with his axe (Jesus, be careful with that thing), and they all lived happily ever after.
Foghorn Von Schwartz, The Evil Farting Cock, was slain by Dox Quixote the night of the full moon in Cocktober (nee Dachtober, but changed by order of Von Schwartz). The villagers rejoice around the carcass for no longer will they have to suffer Von Schwartz farts.
Chewdaccha, a Dachshund with hula skirt wings and an Aztec spaceship belt who floats through the air like a jellyfish, was the inspiration for Pokey (aka “Clyde”), the orange ghost in the popular 1980 Pac Man video game. Chewiee! What a Wookiee!
The Doxxon Valdez (Val, plaze!) was loaded with Chocolate Dacholate Easter Weenies and on the run when it sailed too close to the sun. The Chocolate Dacholate stock melted on the dock, while a flock of hawks circled the gooey ganache around the clock.
What is this strange bird, a very odd fowl, walking upon the shore?
I wave to him hello, I say good day, but my greetings he does ignore.
He has the body of a raven, but is wiener to the core
So I bid farewell and give my goodbyes, I will speak to him no more
Then he lifts his tail and farts, rolls up the windows, and locks the door
Quoth the raven, “Nevermore.”
Nosetradamus exits his temple and predicts that Noseanne Barr will bite Noseferatu who will then bite Nosie O’Donnell. Nose one is safe today.
If an open-spandrel arch bridge has a span of 320 feet, and a guillotine tempest severs the rainbow at the zenith of its transverse diameter and dachapitates a wiener on the southern side, what time does the wiener’s internal clock say? Please show your work.
Lay down your soul to the God of Dach and Roll as he rocks out with his dox out down by the docks at the end of Dachtober.
#DachMetal #AC/DOXIE #JimiHendox #DachtorFeelGood #ZZDach #Dokken #HanoiDox #DachingHeads #DachMeAmadeus #TheDoxploited #KingDachshund #DachtorKnow #JoyDoxvision #DachOfSeagulls #DoxLeppard #Dachtallica #DachFlag #DachSabbath #DachDale #DachOfAges #TheKingOfDachThereIsNoneHigher #NothingButAHundDog #LightningDoxkins #DimeBagDachshund #JailhouseDach #DachThrone #DachFuneral #REOSpeedDachshund #JonBonDoxi #JohannSebastianDach #DachmanTurnerOverdrive
Portrait of the Wiener Queen with her Pair O’ Dox. The Wiener Queen is defined as the one who shaves all wieners that do not shave themselves. The question, then, is, “Who shaves the Wiener Queen?” If the Wiener Queen doesn’t shave herself, then, by definition, she does shave herself. And, if the Wiener Queen does shave herself, then, again by definition, she does not shave herself.
Dear Mother, We have sailed around the Globe and arrived at The Future. It is a marvelous place. We will write with directions tomorrow—your tomorrow, which was our last week. Love, Double Dox, Your Two Headed Future Wiener.
Double Dox had to go back in time to save their mother who didn’t follow their directions to The Future correctly and made a wrong turn on Yesterday Street. She ended up in the ancient Italian countryside where she, along with a drove of local Sabine women, was almost abducted by soldiers in a chaotic raid and dragged off to Rome.
Mother won’t be attending because she lost all her money yesterday on the five-horse, Daniel Wanksta (Owner: Rev. Smiley Stables, Trainer: Bob Bathfart), who, according to her, was in the lead at the final fence when The Celebrated Jumping Hound of Calaveras County, jockeyed by the ghost of Mark Twain, came out of nowhere, leapt over the entire field, and won the race.
A medium has come forward claiming to have channeled the last work by Fyodor Dachstoevsky, written from beyond the grave via Ouija board. It’s a cookbook, which includes traditional Russian recipes such as Cream and Punishment, The Brothers Caramelazov, Root Beer Floats From Underground, BOOOOOrscht, Tolstoy’s Bananas Karenina, The Saint Petersburger, Raskolnikoffee Cake, and more.
The Doxie Luftwaffe bravely soars into The Future on the back of a screaming war bird with the keys to the Fatherland and the designs for a New Wiener Order.
Sausage doxploration recovery drone
The early dachshund romantic period was characterized by whimsical scenes of every day wiener life, like this image of a polar bear dentist performing a tooth extraction.
The last surviving portrait of Count Dachula was rediscovered by historians in the late 16th century and now hangs in the Doxlandia Royal Palace Gallery of Horrors. It is said that you can hear the painting scream at midnight when the moon is full.
Dachshund puppies are taught that if they bark too much they will wake up Pumpernickel, a five legged Nightmare that will drag them to the bottom of the ocean where they will live for eternity with nothing to breathe but the monster’s farts.
The Hounds of The Three Norns: Past, Present, and Future. A tiny inscription at the base of their Fate Trees reads, “You have pooped, you are pooping, and you’re gonna poop.”
Dachtor Spach enjoys a Starfish Exercise.
Fort Dox is believed to have once been an ancient temple dedicated to Dacchus, the God of Whine, but is now a heavily fortified depository for Doxlandia’s eye booger reserves. It is also a Doxie military installation and is protected by a basket of poisonous apples, which they will throw at anyone who approaches.
Krackenfeller. A most beautiful demon siren that can seduce you with her songs of flight.
Wild Wiener Wednesday has been rescheduled to today. Some overzealous Dachshunds got into the Wild Wiener Wednesday storage unit last night and dumped all the wieners in the harbor.
Crazy doxies whiz down the Schwarzwald slopes on office chairs in this new doXtreme sport that combines the most radical elements of snark bardin’ and skart barkin’.
A Doxie Crusader makes a pilgrimage to the Witness Tree at the center of the Schwarzwald and leaves prayer flowers asking for Worldwide Weenie Wuv and more pork chops, plaze.
Luftwaffe ace, Baron Von Dachtofen, dropping Doxie propaganda over enemy lines.
The Weird Sisters reunite at the top of Cawdor Castle to sing their most beloved necromancer anthems.
Dachthulhu gets all gussied up for a date with the Dach Ness Monster.
The new Luftwaffe Stealth Bomber was unveiled today. Its sophisticated cloaking technology, however, makes it a puzzling aircraft that is difficult to even see, let alone figure out.