2015 DACHSHUNDS JAN-JUL
St. Peter, nee Simon, was the man who wrote the Bible. It’s believed to have been written at the site of what is now St. Peter’s Resort And Spacilica. The first draft, which was discovered here, was essentially the story of a carpenter who carved a wooden puppet that dreamed of one day becoming a real boy. The wretched little puppet, however, was always getting in trouble and telling crazy lies that caused his nose to grow. The rascal’s falsehoods and deceptions eventually lead his enemies, the Fox and the Cat, to put a noose around his neck and hang him from an oak tree. In subsequent drafts of the story, the puppet is nailed to a cross, dies, and then comes back to life. St. Peter was inspired to write the fairy tale at this location after drinking 153 holy tears purportedly shed by Madonna and collected by the beak of the Divine Dummingbird. After he slaked his thirst, St. Peter pulled out his lil peter, made pee pee, and a magical spring arose from his yellow puddle. Today, pilgrims who visit the site consider the waters from the spring that feed the Spacilica’s many pools holy water from Madonna’s eyes—Mother Earth’s tears. It is said Madonna is always crying because Her red snapper is forever ravaged by nearly every god from every religion and mythology. Because the believers continue to believe, the gods continue to exist, and a god that exists is a god that ravages. This makes Madonna weep evermore. The Divine Dummingbird dutifully harvests the salty nectar and delivers Her eternal sorrows to the faithful, forever pollinating their insatiable thirst for Hope.
We recently came across a catalog that appears to be an early 18th century ancestor of Sky Mall. Among the curious items listed for sale is an “Ornamental Garden Dachtaur.” It’s essentially a stone carving of a Dachshund Centaur. While the description is entertaining enough, what’s remarkable about this item is that it is a “replica” of an animal that actually existed. Information about the Dachtaur is scant, but we’ve gathered it was a predecessor to the St. Bernard. Dachtaurs were bred with all of the positive qualities of a horse and a dachshund, but with the added benefit of also being a rescue animal (the “rescue” element is contained phonetically in Dachtaur = Doctor). Dachtaurs were bioengineered in Germany at the end of the Middle Ages during The Age Of Discovery as “explorer companions” (or “Daquestrian Sherpas,” as one author referred to them) and were capable of responding to emergencies during voyages, journeys, surveys, safaris, hunts, quests, conquests, discoveries, expeditions, explorations, crusades, campaigns, invasions, and odysseys. Each creature was outfitted at birth with a large flask of small batch, single malt whiskey, triple distilled and then aged for three years in hand-selected rum barrels for a famously smooth finish, which they would then present to the injured and distressed. Depending upon the ailment, other medicines typical of a Middle Age medicine cabinet would also be prescribed in conjunction with the whisky, such as marijuana, cocaine, opium, swamp cheese, or snake milk, but mostly it was just whiskey. Sometimes the Dachtaur would prescribe whiskey, whiskey, and whiskey. If none of the above remedies brought relief to the patient, a goat’s testicle, marinated in a mixture of whiskey and cocaine, would be transplanted into the explorer’s scrotum. (We can assume the Dachtaur did not perform the surgery?) The Dachtaur, unfortunately, inherited the Centaur’s taste for alcohol, became a notoriously violent breed, and soon fell from favor.
For a Dachshund to become a part of The Order, the hopeful initiate must pass many tests and make great sacrifices to understand his/her Complete Being—this includes acquiring knowledge of both the Hund Side and the Dach Side. To cast these opposites as a Hegelian Dialectic, “Hund” is the Hypothesis and corresponds to light, order, peace, and yang, while “Dach” is the Antithesis and corresponds with darkness, chaos, war, and yin. The Synthesis of the two is “Dachshund.” One test on the path to Dachshund is the dreaded Crushoefixion. Not much is known of this secret ritual, except that the Wiener is imprisoned in a shoe that is isolated from the outside world. The experience is designed to force the Wiener to confront The Dach Side. The goal of the student is to recognize and understand The Dach Side, without going over to The Dach Side. It has been nicknamed, “A Study In Grey,” because as the subject struggles to fend off the Dachness, everything turns grey. When students are asked, “What’s it like down there?” a common description is, “The concrete floor is cold, the walls are bare. I felt safest being alone, living in Dachness, living in a world of my own.” Others describe the ordeal as, “Every day is like Sunday. Every day is silent and grey.” Those who succeed in resisting the temptations of The Dach Side emerge from the Crushoefixion like a Phoenix flower of fire blooming out of a kaleidoscopic rainbow cocoon. Hooray! Those that fall prey to the power of The Dach Side, however, sink deeper into the heel and the stink, sliding past the insole’s event horizon, until they are finally sucked down a Dach Hole at the bottom of the shoeniverse, only to be seen once more, and once more only: they are reincarnated as a starving badger’s footprint in a graveyard covered with snow. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. For poop behind the couch they would.
The Queen’s Croquet World Championships, featuring Alice (The Liddell) vs. David (The Great) and played on the very challenging Wiener Wicket course, was interrupted by The Ancient One who emerged from the forest with an empty hat, begging for alms, because he desired a mound of alms, and offering food for work. He was peddling a variety of dumplings with unusual fillings from around the world that his nimble fingers would assemble from the vast store of ingredients within the nearly infinite number of pockets in his filthy greatcoat. If the croquet spectators were hungry, they could order one of his many delicacies which included: dumplings floating in a bowl of blood rescued from the wounds of 10,000 crucifixions; gyozas packed with the electronic components from Cleopatra’s ancient radio; a wonton filled with whispers from the Past and the Future, but Not Now; hand pies stuffed with booze and pills; original Looney Tunes Porky Pig cartoon cells, won on eBay, then cooked carnitas style and served in a deep-fried burrito; raviolis filled with a mixture of Medusa snakes and ricotta, covered with a brown butter sage sauce; a pirogi inhabited by a Polish woman who accidentally locked herself inside while making it because she left her pirogi keys on the outside; or a fortune cookie containing a treasure map drawn on the back of the Dead Sea Scrolls (in bed). There were no takers. The Queen was so annoyed by the intruder that she ordered The Ancient One beheaded. “Off with his head!” she squealed. The Ancient One responded to her threat by turning her into a flying Squid Pig that he then placed in a pocket to be used as the filling for a future dumpling. Alice went on to win the Croquet World Championships.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful Princess who was a Red Winged Dach. Princess Red Wing was so beautiful that her father, the King, was besieged by suitors night and day requesting his daughter’s hand in marriage. Rich men brought her treasures, musicians wrote her songs, tailors made her fine dresses, they all brought wonderful extravagant gifts, but none of them pleased the Princess. “Oh I’ll never get married,” she complained, “all these men are so basic.” Then, one day, a poor, but handsome young man, who went by the unfortunate nickname of “Sheep Tumor” in the village, arrived at the King’s doorstep with a plate of noodles covered in a red sauce. “For the Princess,” he said bowing. “It is spaghetti and meatballs.” The King laughed at Sheep Tumor, but decided to at least try his strange spaghetti dish before he sent him away. “Oh my,” the King said after one bite. “This is the greatest thing I have ever put in my mouth!” He called for his daughter and after the Princess tried the spaghetti, she also agreed it was the best food ever. “But how did you make this spaghetti stuff?” the King asked. “It is the food of the Gods,” Sheep Tumor explained, “and they have been hiding it from us. But I have stolen it and I present it to His Majesty to give to His subjects. In exchange I ask only for your daughter’s hand in marriage.” The King readily agreed. Sheep Tumor was bestowed the title of “Prince Of Spaghetti” and he married Princess Red Wing the very next day. Unfortunately the King was a little too proud of his new son-in-law’s discovery and his boasting reached the Gods who were very, very, very angry when they learned that someone had stolen their spaghetti. The Gods chained The Prince Of Spaghetti to a tree on a cliff overlooking the ocean where The God Of Thunder ravished him with golden lightning bolts from dawn til dusk. The lightning strikes were so intense that the Prince was transformed into a bronze statue by nightfall. Every night, though, the bronze would melt away, the Prince’s body would return to life, and at dawn the lightning torture would begin anew. Princess Red Wing couldn’t bear to see her Spaghetti Prince die every day, so one morning she clambered up the cliffs and positioned herself between the Prince and the God Of Thunder. The Prince begged her to save herself, but she had a plan: she arranged her wings in such a way that the ruby scales created a magnifying glass. When the God Of Thunder spit his first bolt of lightning that morning, Princess Red Wing folded her wings, captured the lightning, and aimed all of its intensity at the chain that bound her Prince. The laser beam her wings created broke the magical chain and the Prince Of Spaghetti was free of his eternal torture. The Prince and Princess celebrated with a giant plate of spaghetti and they lived happily ever after, all the while singing their song, just like the Red Winged Dach sings a song, sounds like she’s singin', said whoo, baby, whoo, said, whoo…
From Theophany And You, Chapter 10, "Burning Bushes": When a bush burns in front of a person, yet doesn’t burn—Nec tamen consumebatur (“Yet it was not consumed”)—it is generally recognized as the infinite Dachness revealing itself as eternal Light (Ousia) to Mankind. Alternately, some interpret a Burning Bush as a manifestation of the Dox bearer, the Mother Of Creation, who has given birth to the Dox Incarnate without the loss of Her virginity, i.e., She was not “consumed.” Others see a Burning Bush as nothing more than a bush in need of a fire extinguisher. But if you encounter a Burning Bush there are a few simple rules you should follow. First, take off your shoes. You’re standing on Holy Ground. Put the shoes in a bin. If you are wearing anything shiny, place those items also in a bin—not the same bin as the shoes, ye dummy! A separate bin! Then avert your eyes and submit your bins for inspection. Expose yourself to the Bush and let Him bathe you in His Dox-rays so that He can see you on the inside and probe the depths of your Soul. Any sense of Reason that you have in your possession will be confiscated. Do not be alarmed if Temperamental Safety Angels suddenly appear and try to touch you. These Tremendously Silly Angels may make a great show of molesting and groping you, but they’re harmless and it’s for your own protection. Just try and remain as still, and as calm as possible—pretend you’re a statue. Secondly, and most importantly, do whatever the Bush tells you to do. Even if it turns a snake into a spoon and asks you to gather all the pork chops in Egypt, plus a dozen bloody black roses, by Moses, just do it. And don’t ask if you can bring your dumb lil buddy Aaron along—never question the Bush! If there’s a Holy Wiener in the middle of a Burning Bush and He’s telling you to do something, just shut up and do what He says. When the fireworks are over and the flames subside, gather your shoes and your other belongings, pull your pants up, and get the flock out of there.
There once was a Fishwife who had a beautiful red snapper in her cart that never smelled fishy and never spoiled. Everyone wanted to buy the lovely fish, but she refused to sell it to anyone no matter what the price. “It’s me Magical Red Snapper,” she’d say, “and she brings me good luck!” One day a mysterious man appeared in the village enquiring about the Fishwife’s Magical Red Snapper. He told the Fishwife that he was the Ghost Of An Ancient God and he had come to eat the magical fish because it would bring him back to life. “Even if ye were Zeus come down from Heaven as a swan on a bolt of lightning,” the Fishwife said, “I wouldn’t let ye touch me Magical Red Snapper.” The Ghost promised the Fishwife anything she wished in exchange for just one taste of her Magical Red Snapper, but still she refused. As the Ghost distracted the Fishwife with compliments and offers, he slyly led her in a great circle, widdershins round a Faerie well. Once the circle was complete, the Fishwife was in the Ghost’s power. He agreed to break the spell only if she cooked her Magical Red Snapper for him and let him eat it. Since the Fishwife had no other choice, she agreed to cook the fish for the Ghostly God. As she cooked, one of the tears that were rolling down her cheeks struck the oil in the pan and the splatter burned her ring finger. “Ow!” the Fishwife said. When she sucked the hot fish oil off the burn on her finger, she gained all of the knowledge in the universe because the Magical Red Snapper was really The Fish Of All Knowing. Since she then knew everything, she broke the spell and banished the God to whence he came, then she brought her Magical Red Snapper back to life and set her free in the Ocean. Any time thereafter that the Fishwife wanted to access all the knowledge in the Universe, she just sucked her ring finger and thought of her Magical Red Snapper. A song is still sung in the village about the Fishwife to this day: “She’s a tart with a cart, Filled with fishes and farts. / And she’ll sell you a wish, For the cost of a fish. / She screams while she listens, And listens while she screams. / She wears mustard mittens, To guard Red Snapper dreams.”
A previously unknown illuminated manuscript, which appears to be a part of the legendary Irish history, “The Anals Of The Four Masters,” has recently been discovered at the bottom of a bog in Ireland. The author signed his name “Brother Pooh,” and, if confirmed to be authentic, the title of the classic Irish History will likely be changed to “The Anals Of The Five Masters” to accommodate this recent addition. Brother Pooh’s Anal work appears to penetrate a very dark and ancient period in Irish history. While much of Brother Pooh’s manuscript is in a state of decay, some of it is remarkably well preserved, in particular the legend of the Holy Bird and the Magical Fish. “The Hawk was born in the Mountains,” begins the tale on a lavishly decorated page that rivals the design and craftsmanship of the Tunc Page of the Book Of Kells. The Hawk first walked the Earth as a man named Fionntán The Wise. He was a seer and he was always accompanied by Noah’s daughter in The Time Before The Flood. Noah’s daughter and her entire family drowned when the Waters of the Great Flood covered the Earth, but Fionntán survived by turning into a Salmon and hiding in a cave beneath the waves. When, after many centuries, the waters finally receded, Fionntán turned back into a Hawk and circled the Earth 666 times before landing in Ireland as a Man again. Here the manuscript is interrupted by another ornately designed page that reads, “The Salmon was born in the Sea.” Thus begins the story of the Magical Salmon. She was the greatest fish to have ever lived and she inhabited all of the rivers and lakes of Ireland alternating between the forms of Salmon, Mermaid, and Selkie. One day, while hot tubbing in Connla's Well in the Hall Of The Faerie King, the Magical Salmon ate nine hazelnuts that fell from the nine hazel nut trees surrounding the Well, and through this act she gained all of the Knowledge in the World. Thus she knew when and how she was going to die. “Mountain meets Sea, Sea meets Mountain,” reads the third and final illuminated page in the tale. One day while hunting as a Hawk over County Limerick, Fionntán spied the beautiful Magical Salmon frolicking with her Entourage Of Otters in the River Maigue. He landed in an ancient Cedar Of Lebanon tree whose branches shaded the river and became entranced by the beautiful creature dancing in the sparkling waters with her sovereign river court, strange as angels, twisting in the water just like a dream. He caught the mighty Salmon in his talons and returned to his perch high in the ancient Cedar to devour his prize. Before he did, though, he licked some of the Salmon’s blood off his talon and was immediately endowed with all of the Knowledge in the World, and thus he knew what the Salmon already knew: that he was she, and she was he. They were one and the same being finally reunited on the banks of the River Maigue.
Direct Doxie Panspermia (DDP) is the hypothesis that Life began on Earth after a tribe of time traveling extraterrestrial alchemists from another dimension stopped on our barren, lifeless planet billions of years ago to take a rest from gallivanting around the galaxy. Among their accommodations they constructed tiny lil French Palaces that they used as toilets. They’d stick their wieners into the lil French Palace and poop in the central courtyard. According to the DDP theory our alien ancestors pooped and peed out their wieners. It left their anuses free to do other things. Like fart. Or sing songs. Or sing songs and fart. Anyway, it’s believed that the rubbish heap this tribe of time traveling extraterrestrial alchemists from another dimension left on our planet provided the molecular building blocks for the start of Life and the beginning of Evolution. Thus, according to the DDP theory, we are the spawn of wiener poop.
Beowulf emerged from the lake and strolled into town. (Beowulf was a Teutonic Doxie Warrior who would assume the shape of a Bearzerker when he entered battle.) He was accompanied by his Egyptian slave boy (part Horus, part Hobbit) who did his best to protect his master from the Papalrazzi, the official gossipmongers of the Catholic Church. Beowulf brought with him a gift for the people of the town: a sausage made with meat from the heads of Grendel and Grendel’s mother. It was a Monster Brat, a Wurst Hearse for the fiends who had been terrorizing the town. The people rejoiced that Beowulf had slain the murderous beasts. [Cut to: montage of milkmaids in bikinis, parades, onion ring cannons firing nostril bombs filled with Pooh boogers, wiener carnivals, etc..] But, pardon me, my mistake: Beowulf did not stroll into town. He did not stride. He smoked into town, goddamn.
Headopuss set out to save an ancient Sea Otter Sanctuary and Teddy Bear Refuge that he heard was being terrorized by a merciless monster known as The Donx. Those who cannot answer the Riddle Of The Donx are killed and eaten by the ravenous fiend. To summon the monster to hear its riddle, one must pick up the phone next to its lair much like one would to talk to an inmate in prison. “Hello?” Headopuss said cautiously into the receiver. “A monkey is hanging upside down in a tree,” The Donx said into the phone as she began her riddle, “which way does his wiener hang?” Headopuss thought about the question for a moment before answering, “The wiener hangs up.” And with that, The Donx hung up the phone. Headopuss was so ashamed and felt so stupid that he gouged his own eyes out before being gobbled up by The Donx. [Note: there is no correct answer to The Donx’s riddle. If the victim answers, “Down,” the Donx’s reply is, “No. The wiener hangs up,” and then also hangs up the phone. Basically The Donx hangs up on you, and then eats you. Don’t go near The Donx because answering The Donx’s riddle is like trying to square a circle: it’s impossible.] [Another note: sea otters and teddy bears receive much better care under The Donx than they ever would with that dummy Headopuss in charge. Donxies get along splendidly with sea otters and teddy bears.]
From the CIA’s “Alien Abduction Files,” Case #0612.50727.5: The subject, who claims to be a Princess from Tyre, said she was frolicking in the shallows at the beach with her entourage when there was a sudden flash of white light. When the air cleared, a beautiful white bull stood on the shore before the Princess. She recalls a strong odor accompanied by divine music, “perhaps from a trombone,” being emitted from the animal’s tailpipe. The White Bull beckoned the Princess to climb inside one of his stomachs, and the Princess says that she found herself “unable to resist.” Once the Princess was aboard, the White Bull charged into the sea and disappeared in the waves much to her entourage’s horror. During the journey the White Bull explained that he was an Alien Space God and that he wanted to make the Princess his Queen. The Princess found the White Bull very handsome and thought his stomach was very comfortable so she said, “Okay.” According to the subject, the pair traveled to the White Bull’s pasture in the sky for “The Coronation Of The Dairy Queen” and she was given a wedding gift of a magical Dachshund who never failed to catch what she hunted. The newly crowned Dairy Queen named her bitch, “LALA.” The subject claims that years of domestic bliss followed until one day the White Bull got a call from a friend who said there was a drunk fox in his city eating all of their children and wondered if they wouldn’t mind sending their magical lil hunter bitch, LALA, down to dispatch of the pest. The bull agreed and sent the dox to hunt the fox. While the magical dox never failed to catch, the fox was endowed with the magical power to never be caught, and so the dox and the fox went round and round in a paradox. The subject’s memory becomes erratic and unreliable at this point in her story, but she continues to insist that she is the Dairy Queen and that her dog Lala protects her while they sleep together on a leather bed inside the star Canis Major every night.
Today is a very important day because an event known as “The Butterfly Eclipse” occurs on May 22 once every 10,000 years. The Yggdrasil tree emerges from a serpent’s egg at the bottom of a primordial puddle of urine and stretches its arms towards the Heavens. Soon thereafter a divine crimson butterfly will pass between the moon and the tree, and when the butterfly’s shadow aligns with the center of the squared circle knotted in the Yggdrasil’s spine, the Holy Wiener will arise from his pachydermal cocoon. The earth will spin the other direction around the sun, mirrors will no longer reflect, and hot dogs will fall from the Heavens. Like, really, really, really good hot dogs. (That’s three “reallys.”) Some other stuff happens, too, but it’s mostly about the hot dogs. They’re probably the best hot dogs you’ll ever have.
The ghost of a Mechanical Duck from France haunts the Mason-Dixon Line. The phantom fowl is confined to the line and can only travel east or west upon its latitude. While the Mechanical Duck’s prime directive is to avenge the death of all ducks prepared for table, the Mechanical Duck itself is pursued by The Crimson Butterfly who incessantly inseminates the winged spectre, forever obstructing her purpose while she is forced to attend to her pregnancies. The resulting crimson eggs are laid in nests at regular intervals along the Mason-Dixon Line at longitudinal points that, when taken collectively, amount to a Fibonacci sequence. Each egg is filled with 10,000 years of blood spilled in times of war. The bloody duck eggs are collected from the nests by a talking dachshund that is in the employ of a cross-dressing Irishman named Mr. Knott. (Mr. Knott would prefer you call him Mrs. Knott when he is in costume.) Mrs. Knott stocks the shelves of her earthen Kunstkabinett with the crimson eggs from left to right, top to bottom. The crimson eggs incubate in the Kunstkabinett for billions of years where they become the shells for entire universes. Our own universe resides in a crimson duck egg in the middle of Mrs. Knott’s Kunstkabinett. When the shelves are full, the oldest egg/universe, which has migrated to the bottom right of the cabinet, is hardboiled and fed to the talking dachshund as a treat in order to make room for the arrival of new eggs, which are placed on the left end of the upper shelf. The resulting gases expelled from the dachshund’s anus contain just the right amount of pooptrons, fartrons, dungtrons, farticles, and manure molecules to provide an ideal environment for the spontaneous generation of another Crimson Butterfly. It is by this arrangement that Mrs. Knott is able to keep her Kunstkabinett crammed.
The Sphinxeañera was an ancient Egyptian ceremony celebrating the Sphinx’s 15th birthday, marking her passing from childhood to womanhood. Remnants of the ceremony survive today in the Latin American Quinceañera celebration. All information we have about The Sphinxeañera ritual comes from an ancient papyrus invitation that reads, “You and one guest are cordially invited to attend the Sphinx’s Sphinxeañera on May 27. Below, please find the program for the day’s events.” Much of the contents of the program are damaged, but archaeologists have managed to piece together a possible translation:
1. ENTRANCE PARADE AND RIDDLE CEREMONY. The Sphinx will arrive in the Royal Gardens at noon in a giant dress shaped like a cloud accompanied by 14 Rainbow Girls, a pair for each color of the rainbow, and she will ask her guests a riddle: what creature walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening? Please have an answer prepared before departure.
2. COCKTAILS WITH IRON MAIDEN. Each guest will slam four shots of Sarcophagus Jäger, chased by two kegs of mead, followed by three barrels of wine while Iron Maiden plays an extended dance remix of “Powerslave.” A toast will be made by the Sphinx’s Mummy and the eyes of the Nile will open, you’ll see.
3. DINNER. Guests are offered a choice between the Sphinx’s Childhood Dolls braised in cat urine, or the Sphinx’s Baby Shoes, bronzed, and cooked sous vide style, all prepared by the Dark Hand of Set.
4. FIRST DANCE. The young Sphinx dances with her father Osiris’s Wiener, Oedipus Dox.
5. DESSERT. Guests will be served a cake made from the Sphinx’s baby crib, pyramid blocks, catacomb syrup, and covered with candles stolen from tombs.
6. MORE COCKTAILS, NILE TAKES THE STAGE. The river Nile will flood the Royal Grounds while Nile the band will play a collection of blasphemous songs written to offend the Sphinx’s “stupid brother,” Horus.
7. RIDDLE SOLUTION AND CLOSING CEREMONY. Anyone unable to answer the Sphinx’s Riddle upon departure will be torn limb from limb and devoured on the spot. All hail the Sphinx.
May 30, 2015, Mount Olympus—Dacchus, and his better half, Mother Wienearth, are proud to announce the release of a new line of signature marijuana-based products called WD-420. The pair is hosting an event this weekend where they plan to make a formal announcement as well as unveil a variety of new strains of marijuana.
“Mother and I are very excited to now offer cannabis products alongside our award winning wines,” said the drunken God Of Wine. “Since I’m already in the business of getting blokes blitzed, blotto, and bombed, it only makes sense to offer weed as well. I’m always pleased to produce a pickled, plowed, and plastered population. There’s nothing more fulfilling than to see my friends fried, faded, and four sheets to the wind. But I’m most satisfied when everyone is smashed, stewed, and stinko, because I, myself, have a thirst for being tanked, tipsy, and trashed. Ta-ta!”
“With the legalization of marijuana occurring throughout the world,” added Mother Wienearth, “we couldn’t afford not to enter the market. And now we’re anticipating earning estimates in the final two quarters of this year to exceed 666%.”
Visitors attending the event this weekend are welcome to sample a wide variety of WD-420’s new marijuana strains including varietals such as Horse Carpet Kush, Big Brown Thunder Cabbage, OG Lamb Crutches, The Gong Show, Grandpa’s Broccoli Diaper, Snake Palace Laundry, Farting Weasel The Banquet Diesel, Military Grade Fug Nugs, Platinum Butt Chicken, Stank Face Gorilla Bitch, and The Curse Of The Egyptian Pineapple.
The event includes a Dionysian Mystery Tent, Ritual Madness demonstrations, and a Bong Olympics. WD-420 products will be available later this year at fine marijuana dispensaries worldwide.
Venus returned home from her vacation by the sea with what she thought was water in her right ear. She tried every remedy that anyone recommended, but nothing would unclog her ear. It wasn’t debilitating enough, however, to warrant a doctor visit, so she just waited for it to go away. Months passed. Then one full moon night there was a stirring in her ear. The sounds grew louder and louder, there was barking and farting, howling and yowling, until she felt she could bear it no more. Finally, at dawn there was a giant explosion, and a mushroom cloud of yellow wax shot out of her ear high into the sky—Earoshima!—followed by a tiny lil creature that crawled out of her ear canal blinking in the morning light. It was a lil baby Winged Wiener! Venus named him Cupid and gave the young flying Wiener a tiny bow and arrow to go around shooting people in the butt with, which he continues to this day. The End.
Once upon a time there were two old Wieners who lived in a shoe. Their home was besieged by Pussy Witches and they didn’t know what to do. The Pussy Witches buzzed their rooftop and left fart trails in the sky. The unholy clouds contained their evil minions: tiny Toxoplasma Gondii Worms that would parachute onto the Shoe House roof where they would party all night and drive the Wieners insane. “We’ll make them a special soup filled with poisonous poops,” the Wieners sang. “Two can play at this game.” When night fell they lit the cauldron on their roof, filled it with scale of dragon and tooth of wolf. They added fillet of a fenny snake, in the cauldron to boil and bake. Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog, adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing, for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble. The Worms had their party, and enjoyed the soup, the broth was delicious and so was the poop. But when dawn arrived, to cat butts they returned; and the contagious Worms made the Pussy Witches crash and burn. The End.
In Dachstoevsky’s “The Agonies Of Adolescence” his protagonist, Flick Drater, suffers the anguish of puberty with a Wiener he describes as a wicked dictator that has declared war on his mind, which it assaults day in and day out with the unrelenting savagery of a blitzkrieg. The desires his growing Wiener arouse in him are insuppressible torture and he is forced to indulge in all manner of sin and depravity to quench its desire, the consequences of which are the slaughter of his innocence and the razing of his childhood. Flick makes a brief attempt to lead a normal existence by taking a job as a Lighthouse Polisher, but his yearning to restore his purity launches him on an epic quest that leads him and his partner, the freewheelin’ Val Dullgo, into the lair of a time-traveling robot dragon and then into the arms of a beautiful Princess (played by Maya Normousbutt from The Simpsons), but his ultimate destination is the Gates of The Womb In The Crotch Of The Universe. Will Flick Drater become a baby again?
While the composer and virtuoso J.S. Dach is well known for his Pawsitronica arrangements, his greatest contributions to music come from his compositions for Evapophones. An Evapophone is any instrument that holds liquid, usually water, and emits the sounds of evaporation. Ponds, Lakes, Lochs, Gulfs, Brooks, Bays, Coves, Creeks, Fjords, Firths, Straits, Swamps, Seas, even Oceans, are all Evapophones and thus Dach’s scores for these instruments often take centuries to play. Evapophone music can only be appreciated by those who have access to dimensions that operate with expanses of Time much greater than our own. The long list of fans of Dach’s music includes a who’s who of Immortals, Gods, Demons, Angels, Ghosts, and Vampires. In the engraving shown here, Dach is posing with an Evapophone he invented called a Cathedratone, which is essentially a cathedral, church, or temple filled to the dome with seawater. The water evaporating in a Cathedratone is generally described as having a dissonant and “experimental” character and arrangements for Cathedratones are typically much shorter than those written for, say, an Estuary.
The Slotherway, a prehistoric sloth-like parasite that lives off the back of an elephant, arrived late to Mother Wienearth’s morning Bath in Lake Scholomance, a daily ritual where she addresses all the World’s creatures and assigns them their parade routes for the glorious day ahead while she is tickled by The Queen Bee and gets her Royal Meat Flaps dusted by the filthy peasants who live at the bottom of the Lake. Because the Slotherway is always looking the other way no matter what’s going on, he failed to notice that Jiminy Cricket had brought along his friend, Pinocchio, a wooden puppet that had been forbidden to attend the Nature Parade because of all his lies, but especially the one he sold everyone about Treacle Down Pillownomics. According to Pinocchio, if you prayed to his imaginary “god” before going to sleep on one of his supposed “Magic Pillows,” which he claimed were filled with the feathers of a Golden Goose (that we now know also doesn’t exist), all of your dreams will come true. Not only did no one’s dreams come true, but the Treacle Down, or whatever it was he was stuffing his pillows with, actually made everyone’s dreams slower and, in some cases, gave them nightmares, and diarrhea, and nightmares about diarrhea. Mother Wienearth scolded Jiminy for his indiscretion and then turned Pinocchio into a Jackass (again) and sent him to the bottom of the Lake where every morning for the rest of Eternity he has to lick it clean.
After E.T. got wasted on Coors, the Colorado based brewery tried to capitalize on the popularity of their beer by creating a series of ad campaigns that promoted the rather unusual idea that E.T. was an alien reincarnation of James Henry Trotter, from James And The Giant Peach. To this day, there is still a popular belief that E.T. is somehow related to Yoda (Star Wars), but the idea that he is connected to the character in the Roald Dahl story was roundly criticized. Coors’s position was that the spaceship E.T. was trying to “phone home” to was in fact a giant peach and that this peach contained a bar that served Coors on tap. Besides E.T./James, and a bevy of drunk insects, regular patrons at “The Fuzz” (as the peach bar was called) included a pair of elderly dachshunds that would scream wiener jokes from their booth in the corner. Their tagline was, “Coors! It gives you a buzz that’s out of this world!” A Super Bowl ad was shot, and a sitcom was in development, but ultimately Spielberg refused to sign off on the preposterous project and E.T. went on to become a spokesperson for Pepsi.
Lawrence Faille Buphoon (LFB) is the father of the Industrial Revolution and the richest man in the world. He worships at the altar of Commerce and believes only in the Prophet of Profit. There is nothing he doesn’t own. One of his many mistresses, for instance, is The Lady Of The Lake who bestowed Excalibur to King Arthur. His favorite mode of transportation is his “Locomortif,” which is Latin for “crazy death train.” LFB employs millions of workers to lay tracks in front of his train in whatever direction he wants to go, whether it be through mountains or over seas, thousands die every day in transporting LFB to his seemingly endless destinations. His goal: to extract every drop of blood from the planet and then cover the whole thing in cement and factories. Part of his plan involves building a canal that connects the surface of the Earth to the River Styx so that he can set up mining operations in the Underworld. Then, he and his mistress can use Charon’s Boat (which he also owns) to ferry the Locomortif, laden with riches, from Hell and back (coincidentally his first wife was named Helen Back). The consequence of this operation would of course provide a point of access for Demons, Devils, and the Damned to enter our world and begin the Apocalypse, but there’s nothing that can stand between this man and money, not even the End Of The World… except… Friedrich Sneetchy, The Uber Weenie! [music: “DUN T-DUHHH!”] “Uber Weenie to the rescue!” Can The World’s Strongest Wiener run this dick’s train off the tracks?
The Gods fed their Immaculate Wiener nothing but the crowns of kings and queens, and they pollinated his anal flower with rubies, jewels, and nectars from the sweetest flowers. Their diet, combined with the suppositories, created a song in the Wiener’s heart so rich and so beautiful that it has caused the poor fellow an eternally gaseous disposition. But whenever The Immaculate Wiener farts, he emits a melody performed by an Orchestra of Flames and a Choir of Worms that has accompanied the smoke in every fire in history from the Torches of Nero to the burning of Joan of Arc. It was sung by the smoke from Mary Arden’s cigarette that lingered round her finger after she gave birth to Lil Baby Shakespeare atop an altar in the middle of the jungles surrounding Stratford upon Avon. It is the first sound that was ever made at the beginning of the Universe and continues to echo through time: a Wiener farting, silent but deadly.
This is a portrait of a Librarian seated at work with his quill, a book, and his assistant/editor Honey Bee in a hexagonal gallery in the Library of Babel. The Library is composed of an indefinite, perhaps infinite, number of hexagonal galleries each with its own Librarian and lined with books filled with every possible combination of the symbols in the alphabet. While most of the Library is gibberish, it does promise to contain every conceivable book that has ever been, and will be, written. The Librarian seated here, known simply as DOX, was reputed to be a member of a blasphemous sect of Librarians responsible for pooping on the pages of millions of “useless works” in their quest to reach the books rumored to be contained in the Crimson Hexagon: a perhaps mythical gallery said to contain books with powerful magical spells and, desirable above all else, illustrations.
Pudd’nhead Doxon visits the Mother of the Entwives to collect his annual supply of eggs from her Enphant Tree for his Easter celebration. The Enphant Tree produces eggs that hatch lil Enfant Elephant Terribles that make a perfect infantry to march in the Easter parade honoring the death of lil baby Santa Claus. And Mother Entwives’ companion, Weenie Dan, is going to sing “Call Me Gingham Blues” this year. It’s going to be a gnar’ Easter.
Kermit The Frog got his start playing in a band called WienerschnitzHELL. Originally formed by a pair of German Wieners, the ensemble created abrasive yet elegant compositions with a unique fusion of GRRRrrrowl-core, Dach Metal, and Radish Patch Techno (vegetarian influenced positronica performed in a haunted radish patch). Much of Kermit’s later signature style on The Muppet Show was influenced by this experimental period with WienerschnitzHELL. In one memorable performance, for instance, he emerged from the pond adjacent to the radish patch to play the banjo solo in “Bark At The Moon” and he exploded out of the water riding a green Eames chair atop a vanilla milkshake geyser. To this day the Dachshund community reveres Kermit as one of the greatest performers the stage has ever seen.
Welcome to the Promised Land and thank you for coming on Wiener Airlines. If you’re making a connection, here is a list of gates: Velvet Canyon, Arizona, gate 69. Cat Flaps, Wyoming, gate 69. Fürbürger, Germany, gate 69. Chuff, South Dakota, gate 69. Beaver, Minnesota, gate 69. Minge, Lithuania, gate 69. Beefbox, Maryland, gate 69. Poontangeles, California, gate 69. Quim, South Korea, gate 69. Nooky, Louisiana, gate 69. Puusi’i, Hawai’i, gate 69. Hatchet Wound, Saskatchewan, gate 69. Please see a gate agent for more information and we hope you come again.
Bixby Barkum And The Sunshine Circus wish to welcome you to the greatest show on earth. Step right up and see the Flying Bacon Fish and his booger powered nostril rocket. Watch the migration of the Monarch Elephant that lives on the moon. Experience the fourth dimensional dancing of the Psycho Russian Baryshnikats. Hear the chilling call of Cthulhu, the immortal horror from space. And much, much more. One night only. Shutup and go to Bixby Barkum’s Sunshine Circus. Now.
Play the new game “Snake Palace Wieners” on your phone. You’re a poor brown Wiener balancing an upside down French Palace on a pole. Do not drop the Palace or it will crush you. And do not jiggle Le Palais or the rich French people who reside there will become uncomfortable and then they’ll have to buy more comforting stuff, which in turn will make the Palace heavier. And for God’s sake, don’t wake the Snake. “Snake Palace Wieners” is available now in the app store. [Four and a half stars]. Download for free.
Bixby Barnum’s brother, Tex, manages the Barnum Brothers’ Colossal Flea Circus. Here he distracts one of his nuclear powered Artillefleas with a red hot chili pepper so that he can inspect the howitzer which didn’t fire its Rainbow Juice in this morning’s parade.
You’ll have a long and pleasant weekend ahead of you if a rare celestial event has anything to say about it. The Grizzly Tea Party Equidox, as it’s called, occurs when Ursa Minor has been in retrograde and hibernating inside The Big Dipper, which is in transit through the House of Helios Hollandaze. As the golden rays of the Hollandaze House tickle the Dipper’s Tea Cups, Ursa Minor is reborn as an ascendant Ursa Major honey-smiling on your Pillow Fort in the Dream Nut Tree. Whorrorscoops for Wiener Whelps born under The Grizzly Tea Party Equidox say that they will have seven magical toes, a pair of radioactive anal glands that can generate Night Rainbows, and while they will enjoy the ability to sing romantic songs with butterflies and gracehopers, they will also suffer from a fear of burrowing under anything plaid. Later in life they may develop allergic reactions to the letter J, right angles, and the number 32,115.
They say she was formerly a he, and an admiral in the Royal Reichsflotte no less, but now she goes by the name of Citizen Jane From Canada. Citizen Jane From Canada now sits in her room smoking cigarettes, grooming her pussy, and writing erotic poetry, only coming out at night to go shopping for hats with her Sugar Daddy who made his fortune in gumdrops and lollies. He’s the one bankrolling her upcoming collection of poetry, her first since the war, which is tentatively titled, “Who’s Afraid Of Anaïs Nincompoop?” But Citizen Jane From Canada is worried the title might be mistakenly received as pejorative, and so she is also considering, “I Heart Long Wieners,” “Sex Dox,” “Sedachtion Of The Minotaur,” “Hymn To Him,” and “Deep Penetraschund.” The book is due out later this year.
This is the movie poster art I recently submitted to Paramount Pictures for their upcoming summer release, “Hump Day”: Retired Dachtective, Dox Bottom, The Camel-Headed Dachshund, reluctantly returns to action when he becomes entangled in a plot that involves four Oberon Industry replicants who have come back to earth to steal the Dachlaration of Codependence from the Capitol Building and poop all over it with their robot butts. The only problem? The attack is scheduled to go down on Thursday, but Dachtective Dox Bottom, The Camel-Headed Dachshund, still thinks it’s Wednesday…
The source of the Urhine River.
Tragedy nearly struck earlier today when an overzealous wiener reveler at a Dacchanalian Sausage Party tried to perform some hotdoggin’ aerobatics in his private Swiss jet over the festivities before losing control of the aircraft resulting in a collision course with the Parthenon. Fortunately, the awry airliner was tackled in mid air and “Helljetica,” as some have come to call the almost catastrophic event, was miraculously averted.
After a less than sensational harvest in 2014, the 2015 booger crop is looking more promising. The head vintner at Snot’s Leap Vineyards, Dachtor Weino, fortified his soil last season with Eagle droppings, which has yielded golden fruits that are generating distinctly patriotic booger wines. Whether it’s the Bloody Boogdeaux, the Gruner Snotliner, the Sauvignose Blanc, the Mucusadet, or their award winning Chardonnaysal Booger Blanc, Dachtor Weino has created a remarkably delicious collection. Robert M. Barker has already come out and given the Snot’s Leap 2015 Gesnoutztraminer a 98 rating, describing the popular blend as, “a deceptively patriotic booger wine with complex notes of hypocrisy, intimidation, and coercion, with a youthful, violent aroma, and a mouth feel of ripe, velvet piety, that gives way to mid palate flavorings of intense religious hullaballoo followed by even more violence tinged with insanity. It has a long, almost infinite finish that leaves the taste of eternal war in the back of the throat. You’ll be picking a winner with this booger wine.” The 2015 Snot’s Leap Chardonnaysal Booger Blanc is available for $666/case at boogerwine.com.
Traditional German Recipe: Ingredients: one big Wiener and one beautiful Bird. Stuff Wiener into Bird. Very important that you really stuff it in there. Bake until the Wiener has become soft and released all of its juices into the Bird (about one minute). Then turn off the oven, remove the Wiener, and let the Bird rest in the residual warmth for approximately nine months. After which time, a small Cocktail Wiener, aka a “Pupu.” will fall out of the Bird. Get your kitchen shears out and separate the Pupu from the Bird. Discard the Bird, slap the Wiener, then serve the Pupu chilled on a block of ice with a side of existential angst, and pair with copious amounts of alcohol. #PutABirdOnIt #PutTwoBirdsOnIt #WienerEater #ReallyBusyBusyScissors #PupuRockets #MindTheGap
“Law Of Nature #26: Disintegration. The flower smells sweetest the closer one is to it. The further one gets from the flower, the more its aroma disintegrates. Similarly, as one lifts one’s leg to urinate on the flower, the whiz leaves the ding ding in a powerful and solid stream, yet the further the liquid gets from the hose, so too does it begin to fracture into smaller and smaller pee-pee droplets before becoming nothing but a warm golden mist. Therefore, one should always make doo-doo on the closest flower so that everyone can en joy the aro ma s w i t h t h e l e a s t a mo u n t of d i s i n t e g r a t i o n.”
—Thus spake Paridox, the great Pre-Socratic Wiener
“When he comes undone and is no more fun / And smells like Rotten Viking Shark, or a / Tuna Reunion Party in the park / Like a bucket of farts and antique chum / It means his behind is under attack / It’s time to express the Anal Glands and / Squeeze the butter from those noxious old sacs.”
—from “Express Yourself (Or At Least Your Anal Glands),” a song from the Anal Gland Society Of America’s latest ad campaign.
Thank you for purchasing the Moby Dach Self Annihilation System. Quick setup guide: To connect your A-HAB System Remote (p. 4) to the Cosmic Network Grid (CNG, p. 2) find the HDMI High Speed Tentacle and tie it with a Whaler’s Knot (p. 13) to the back door of the P-QUOD Plug (p. 18), then throw your USB Harpoon (p. 17) overboard and anchor it to the Cemetery (p. 99) at the bottom of the Ocean (p. 1). When the A-HAB System is correctly synced with the CNG, black smoke will emerge from the blowhole on top of the Moby Dach console and its eyes will blink twice. Troubleshooting: The system does not display a White Wiener when I do a search. Remedy: Make sure the A-HAB Remote is connected to a Cetacea Power Supply via a USB Harpoon.
When DXY, the Deutsch dynasty of haute couture, unveiled their SU2015 collection last year, they flooded the rooftop of the Paris Stock Exchange and constructed a wave pool capable of recreating a break that blended the barrel at Teahupoo with the sheer size of Mavericks on their most massive days. Talk about making a splash! Models, outfitted in DXY’s big-wave-inspired summer ensembles, were towed into the face of these mountains of water by the tail of a Wave Wiener riding a slice of whole-wheat toast spread with strawberry jam. Besides some fantastic wipeouts, those in attendance were treated to some extremely sophisticated DXY beach-centric designs that included Lil Capes, Beach Scarves, Surf Mittens, and Leather Sea Robes. Guess what ladies? Surf’s up this summer! Cowabunga!
Nessie, the Dach Ness Monster, emerges from her lake to return some books to the library: “Where The Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendach, “Notes From Underwater,” by Fyodor Dachstoevsky, “Heart Of Dachness,” by Joseph Conradical, “The Sound And The Fury,” by William Daulkner, and “Moby Dach,” by Merman Hellville.
Right now on QVC we are offering a limited number of copies of the “Necrodoxicon.” This is a very, shall we say, interesting book, that was “written by blood thirsty Wiener Wizards”—I’m reading the back cover—“with crimson quills guided by drunken Faerie Queens who have translated the cryptic subterranean secrets of Fart Demons howling from an ancient Citadel in a lost city at the bottom of an invisible Lake Of Fire high in the Schwarzwald Mountains.” Oh my. Well, okaaaay, like I said, verrrrry interesting. Huh-huh. Now, we only have 42 copies left, but if you call QVC right now, at 800-345-1212, you can purchase item A-532666 in two easy payments. I’ve heard this is THE book to have this summer, so order your copy of the “Necrodoxicon” now.
Donate to NPR right now and you’ll receive the new album by Johann Sebastian Dach titled, “Pawsitronica: It Means Pawsitive Electronica.” Do more than just listen, become a member right now, and in return you’ll receive this wonderful album with the great JS Dach at his fartsichord performing his newest arrangement, “The Pawsitronica Concerto, In D Flat (The D is for Doo-Doo, And It’s Flat Because Someone Stepped In It).”
Odoxyeus is upbraided when Lampetia shows her father, Helios, a wiener that was made with meat from his oxen. And while it was wrong of Odoxyeus’ men to slaughter the Sun God’s cattle, and mighty Zeus would eventually kill them all with a lightning bolt for their offense, they did enjoy the finest sausages that anyone on earth has ever eaten. Forget about “free range,” “grass fed,” and “kobe” beef, Odoxyeus’ men ate sausages made from SUN GOD CATTLE. And Son God Sausages are (as we now know), quite literally, to die for. Their motto: “Sun God Sausage: Our wiener will be the last wiener in your mouth.”
When Count Dachula grew tired of scouring the quays in the wee hours of the morning looking for some Wiener bitch to sink his teeth into and decided he wanted to finally settle down for the remainder of his eternal life, he turned to VampiresOnly.com: the only dating site for intolerant, blood sucking wieners who want to enslave the human race. You don’t have to be lonely at VampiresOnly.com… diurnal haemophobes just don’t get it.
It’s not a question of IF you will have a wiener inside of you, it’s WHEN you will have a wiener inside of you. Everyone will enjoy a wiener inside of them at some point, but you can reduce your risk of Internal Wiener Complications (IWC) with a preemptive treatment program using Doxiprobe, the first FDA approved IWC medication available by prescription. Stop taking Doxiprobe if you experience Leviathanal bleeding, crotch shrubs (aka jungle groin), worms, you forget the names of certain fruits, eternal erections, infernal erections, paranormal erections, urine with a chowder-like consistency, excessive barking, farting, or diarrhea. Tell your doctor if you experience a sudden attraction to action sandals—this may be the sign of a rare and serious side effect. Ask your doctor if Doxiprobe is right for you.
Introducing Wiener Lotion. It’s lotion for your wiener. It makes your wiener’s coat smooth and succulent. Rub it on your wiener before you have Crazy Time. Wiener Lotion is all natural. It smells kind of like BBQ sauce and Non Champa. Our special spice rub mixture is made with top secret free range organic ingredients that are hella bangin’. Get down. (Poultry free.) Wiener Lotion: because your wiener has a notion for lotion.
…riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodious vicus of recirculation back to Walden’s Pond where a Japanese whaler makes the mistake of hooking an elusive Gnardach. Gnardachs are like Narwhales, except that they’re Dachshunds and they’re gnarly. Unlike Narwhales, they don’t need your protection, so gnarly is the Gnardach temperament, and they’re well known for eating Japanese anglers. Like this poor fellow.
“They” are the three guys that secretly rule the world: Methuselah #8, the Oldest Jerk On Earth; a mysterious German businessman who’s current alias is Oliver Von Derpants; and a tiny lil Louis XIV that lives in the margins of a book of love poems. They control world events with a magical red button. When they press it, a demon appears and does pretty much whatever they tell it to.
Judas Doxcariot not only betrayed the Mad Carpenter, but he also—and a lot of people don’t know this—used the thirty silver coins to hire Richie Sambora to play at the execution. To his credit, he played many Bon Jovi hits and the crowd at Golgotha went crazy when he played “You Give Love A Bad Name,” but changed the lyrics to, “Nailed to the cross and you’re to blame. You give Love a bad name.” And then he pointed and winked at Judas and Judas was all, “What?”
As the diarrhea cascaded down the insides of his pant legs, he remembered the old washerwoman on the riverbank the night before scrubbing the skid marks off of his underwear and scraping the dung from his trousers. If he had only heeded the prophecy, he would have been saved this death of embarrassment.
The Raffanzee Valley Scrolls, attributed to the ancient Raffanzee tribe, describe an outlaw religious community that worshipped a strange creature that was long, like themselves, but in the horizontal. The Dox, as they called their Lord and Savior, lived among them performing miracles and telling weird parables about Virgin Wiener Bitches, Prodigal Naps, and foolish Devil Rats, until one day the Dox mysteriously died. According to the Raffanzee Scrolls, three days after His death the Dox gave himself a resurrection, turned into a Zombie, and then was immediately abdachted by Aliens. The Raffanzees have quietly awaited the return of the Dox’s spaceship ever since. It should be back any day now.
Towards the end of the Archdachess’ bout with insanity, she developed a taste for shoplifting. And, as was her fashion, she threw herself into the project entirely and soon became a black belt burglar. She wouldn’t steal anything more than the most inconsequential trifles, yet she took great delight in retiring to her chamber every evening where, with her cigarettes and her hot dogs, she would drown herself in her plunder and guard the pile of gewgaws like a dragon hoarding his treasure.
It was just stupid, so stupid, to cast a Dachshund for the lead role in “Jack And The Beanstalk.” Dach, Jack, I get it. But not only did he eat the beans after every take, he blew the blankets off the bed for weeks.
Behold! The Great White Pussy lives in a Backwards Clock at the bottom of Oz Lake, and she is the source of all rainbows: after it rains, seven kittens, each a different color, shoot out of her butt and fly across the sky before landing in a pot of gold on the other side of the universe.
The Wiener Priests aim their Ruby Red Rockets at the Heavens and kiss the dawn with their tips. They tag the morning sky with Sacred Geometry, the Language of the Gods, joining Father Sky with Mother Earth. She delivers a Fireball Baby that carves a crimson arc over the azure sea and warms the ground below their lil feet.
The Abbot enjoyed having his ears and chin scratched so much that he employed the monastery’s watermill wheel to achieve his pleasures. So steeped in bliss is he when leaning into the mill’s wheel that he once said it feels like the Angels are submerging his soul in a bottomless bowl of Holy Clam Chowder. Which, of course, he dreams he is eating while being abraded.
Herr Author begins a novel structured around the Fibodoxxie Sequence, but comes undone in the process realizing that not only can he not write, but he can’t count, and he has no idea what a Fibodoxxie Sequence is. The idea is stupid, so he buries his snout in his crotch and cling clangs his ding dang. Plaze.
The remains of Oedipus’ mother/wife, Jocasta, were recently discovered near Walden Pond by Mr. Hickory Chicory Dach, a distinguished Wiener in The Hermetic Order Of The Golden Dawn. Officials in the area, however, have denied permits to begin excavation despite the archaeological team’s insistence that the remains whisper Sphinx-like riddles when the moon rises, suggesting Jocasta’s spirit is guarding an underground temple complex filled with blankets, pork chops, and other riches.
Old Man Winter? More like Old Man Wiener. Scientists have recently discovered that Winter is caused not by the tilting of the earth’s axis, but by Dachshunds hogging up all the sunshine: all these years the selfish little beasts have been drinking sunshine straight from the tap! It’s as queer as a clockwork orange, innit?
While you’re huffing and puffing, growling and barking, busy protecting your family’s home from burglars, intruders, marauders, pirates, banditos, raiders, robbers, and rustlers, who’s watching your top-secret documents? Protect your sensitive information and other gewgaws with DACHUMENT®. This patented security tool uses Space Age Hummingbird Technology to make your valuables disappear in a flash. POOF! Hide your bones, bowls, balls, blankets, and other priceless Wiener ephemera from sneaky Devil Rats and evil kitty cats. Trust the security of your stuff with DACHUMENT® now! It’s like having an extra Wiener.