2014 DACHSHUNDS (JAN-JUN)
Conquered the Shangri-La Valley with nothing but a rose and wooden spoon.
Mason and Doxon discover Lady Brain Lake where Grendel’s Mother was beheaded by Beowulf under the waves. Her mind occasionally surfaces and thinks about distributing swords.
Sisyphus is wasting away again in Margaritaville, searching for his lost shaker of salt. Some may claim that there’s a woman to blame, but he knows it’s his own damn fault.
Eagle tears are baked in a copper cistern and the resulting salty chicken cake is offered by the King of Doxlandia to the sacred Vestal Virgins on this day.
The Circle of Life spins on the Devil’s finger until a Dachshund death match with the Demon of the Desert destroys everything on Doomsday! One night only!
The Dach Ness Monster patiently awaits the return of the true Dox Messiah, and it is only He who is allowed to ascend the mountain stairs and reclaim his throne.
The sky grows darker, from an Imperial Walker. There’s nowhere to hide… so welcome to the Dach Side.
Offshore artichoke rig.
Because of a recent nightmare, Bixby journeys deep into his own mind to visit Homunculus, the Dream Hermit, who lives in a remote cabin atop his medulla oblongata.
A plane goes down on a very strange deserted island and the only survivor is a dachshund. #BlairIsland #TheExorcist
Atop the cliffs at the most southern point of Doxlandia stands Skull Camera Rock. So named because it’s a rock that looks like a skull with a camera sticking out of it. It is worshipped on the night of the full moon.
The Famous Hairy Wiener Company handcrafts its world famous hairy wieners in Wurstburg using only the finest hairy wiener meat. “You may be able to beat our prices, but you’ll never beat our meat.” #TheFamousHairyWienerCompany
Dox Luftwaffe pilots learn to fly with a combination of Lepidoxtera immersion and a diet of rotten horse meat.
Mason and Doxon come upon the mythical Ohr Tohr in the middle of Lake Aurem. It has recorded every word and every sound that man and beast have uttered since the dawn of time.
Rapunzel reviews the terms of her banishment to the tower on the barren heath.
There will be a public hearing this afternoon to address concerns about the traffic caused by the Stonehenge Restoration Project.
Odie, Son Of Odin, Friend Of Garfield, surveys the dawn over heaven and earth from atop the Yggdrasil.
Ross MacDox, The Crime Dox, does not think your April fool’s joke is funny. At all.
A scene from Watership Down: The Musical performed at the Stanley Hotel (the inspiration for Stephen King’s novel, The Shining).
I want to marry a lighthouse keeper and keep him company. I want to marry a lighthouse keeper and decapitate pussies by the sea.
Super Dach Cock Rocket.
The Dach Ness Monster interned for Daedalus while he designed the Minotaur’s labyrinth.
Dear God, Thank you for giving us this brain that has allowed us to invent you
The Dachstapo assassinated the Devil Rat Republican Army’s Secretary General’s family outside a café in Venice this morning. They were stabbed in their heads with big broken knives.
The day after the wine festival, the king and queen of Doxlandia, along with their tiny subjects, pay worship to unusually large and mysterious pieces of meat that emerge from the ground.
Bixby gets himself in trouble again after his best friend, Bubbles The Butterfly, helps him turn his favorite bullfighting cape into a magic carpet on today’s episode of “Bixby & Bubbles.”
Janus introduces us to his bro Mars, the God of War, and the namesake of this month.
“Portrait Of Our Lord Lucifer,” attributed to the painter Otto Dox, was recently discovered in a trove of art stolen by the Nazis and found in Hildebrand Gurlitt’s Munich apartment.
A heretofore unknown “Temptations of Saint Anthony,” believed to be by the artist Salvador Doxi, was recently discovered at the bottom of a box of cat litter in an abandoned zero factory.
The Fairy Feller’s Master Stack at Port Stragglin.
Dachshund scientists are gratified by the gift given from grafting a giraffe onto a giraffe and generating re-giraffication.
Screaming Lord Frank Farter was a German pirate who only assaulted merchant ships in the North Sea on Mondays. He got his name because he was always screaming and farting. Sometimes a scream would precede a fart, and sometimes a fart would precede a scream. Other times a scream would follow a scream and a fart would follow a fart. It was not uncommon for him to scream and fart at the same time.
NEFASTUS. The Dolphin convinces the runaway sea goddess Amphitrite to return and become Poseidon’s betrothed. The God of the Sea honors his Dolphin with a place in the sky.
The fart of falling in February.
The Dozen Brothers were rocking out to songs about eagles on the roof of the Holy Name Church when their turntable flew into the river. Lil help? #Misfits #ABBA #Steve Miller #John Denver #Dolly Parton #Traffic
Happy Birthday to all the paper dachshunds. They’re going to raise the roof today.
Lucina bids February goodbye from the balcony of the Campus Martius. And good riddance. She’s tired of her father slapping her with the wet goatskins.
CARMENTALIA NEFASTUS PUBLICUS. Festival of the Arcadian Goddess, Carmenta. She invented the alphabet and skateboarding.
The fire breathing monster Cacus, son of Mulciber, sneaks into Evander’s city in the middle of the night and steals his cattle to make cheeseburgers.
And on the 19th day, the day of the Holy Eighth Prime, there descended a stairway to Heaven.
Ancient portrait of the two-headed Janus as a doxtopus bull.
Janus dons his hammerhead gown for a stroll on the strand. He follows the eagle searching for Orpheus’s Lyre in the river.
Janus bathes in his Lactuzzi® (a Jacuzzi filled with the Magical Mammy Milk of the goddess Ceres) before ascending to the stellar nursery in the Orion Nebula.